Beth Shalom
Oceanside Jewish Center

Little Johnny spent his first summer in sleep away camp. The first week he wrote home: “Dear Mom and Dad: I hate camp. The beds are uncomfortable and they make us get up too early. I don’t get enough exercise and all they do is make us play sports. And the food here stinks. What’s more, there’s not enough of it….”

Kvetching: we all do it. We begin when we’re very young and we continue kvetching until we breathe our last. In fact, I suspect that kvetching is most people’s second favorite activity though for the life of me I can’t figure out what they enjoy more. We complain about everything. We complain about the weather, the government, and about television. We complain about our family and friends. We complain about our children and our jobs. Did I mention we complain about our children? And of course we complain about our synagogue. All we seem to do is Kvetch.

If you don’t believe me consider the fact that I found 106,000 references to the word “Kvetch” on the Internet! There’s nothing new about this. In fact today’s Torah portion offers us a course in kvetching 101.

The Israelites were finally prepared for their journey through the wilderness. They were free from slavery, they received the Torah, and God provided for their every need. They had food, water, and they even had a guiding cloud to lead them through the wilderness which provided them with shade during hot summer days. What more could you ask for?

The first thing the people did upon setting out for the Promised Land was to kvetch. Chapter 11 of today’s torah portion begins Vayehi Kemitonninim, “The people took to complaining bitterly before the Lord,” They had hardly taken leave of Mount Sinai when all hell broke loose.

“Are we there yet,” they asked. “Yuck – don’t tell me we’re having manna again for dinner tonight. I’m sick of eating manna. What I wouldn’t give for a nice cucumber or a piece of schmaltz herring! What do you have to do around here to get a cold glass of water? Boy, do I miss the good old days back in Egypt…”

Poor Moses; he didn’t know where to begin. So he did what everyone else was doing. He started kvetching. “I’ve had it,” he said, “These people are driving me batty. All they do is to complain. Did I give birth to them? Do I have to nurse them? Just kill me now, God! I would stick my head in the oven if I had one! I can’t stand dealing with them any more.

And if that wasn’t enough, Miriam and Aaron started also complaining about Moses. The exact nature of their complaint is a little confusing. First they complained that Moses was married to a Cushite, an Ethiopian woman. And all this time we thought he was married to a Midianite. Actually the numerical value of Kushit is the same as Yefat Mareh, good looking, which only goes to prove that black really is beautiful. So maybe Miriam was jealous of Moshe’s good looking wife! In the very same breath, however, Miriam questions Moshe’s leadership. “Has the Lord spoken only through Moses? Has He not spoken through us as well?”

There’s enough kvetching to go around in Parshat Beha’alotecha. And it doesn’t stop there. Before it’s over the Israelites are condemned to spend forty years in the wilderness, thousands will die from a plague, and a whole band of malcontents (including Edward G. Robinson) will be swallowed up by the earth. It would take another forty years for the Israelites to stop complaining long enough to cross the Jordan River and even then they never really stop….

So what can we learn from all this kvetching? Three things, I would suggest. Here are the rules for Positive Kvetching learned from the hard lessons of the wilderness:

First before you complain, you had better know what you really know what it is you’re really complaining about. Most of the complaints in Parshat Beha’alotecha are misdirected. When the people complain about food and water it’s because they’re anxious about the future. It was so much easier to be slaves in Egypt than it was to face the uncertainty of freedom. Had the people said this to Moses maybe he could have addressed the issue more honestly. Similarly, when Miriam complained about Moses’ Cushite wife, I suspect what’s really going on is that she and Aaron are just a little jealous of their younger brother’s position. If we think about it, often when we are upset or angry the things we complain about or fight about are not the things that are really bothering us. So before we open our mouths maybe we should stop and ask ourselves, “Where is this kvetch really coming from?”

The second rule of creative kvetching goes like this: “Before you complain about others, ask yourself what you lack.” So very often we complain about the things we dislike in ourselves. We externalize our kvetch when the issue is more personal. I believe Moses understood this. When he complains to God, he doesn’t talk about the people as much as he acknowledges his own shortcomings. In fact the one time he really kvetches to the people – when he strikes the rock rather than talking to it - God punishes him by making him die in the wilderness. Name calling serves no positive or constructive purpose. When Moses says to the people Shimu na hamorim – “Listen you rebellious ones,” God realizes that Moshe is no longer capable of leading the nation.

In today’s torah portion Moses says little about the people. Of course he’s upset with them but when he turns to God he says “I can’t do this job by myself, I need help!” And when two Israelites continue to prophesy even after they are not included among the seventy elders chosen by God, Moses does not complain. He says, “Would that all the people were prophets, that the Lord put His spirit upon them!”

Finally, and maybe most important of all, “Don’t complain unless you’re willing to do something about the complaint. Or as one person put it: “Realize that if you have time to whine and complain about something then you have the time to do something about it.” According to the Midrash, when the people stood in the entrance to their tents and cried, they were kvetching about the laws of incest. How dare God put such limitations on their sex life! At first glance this may sound very strange but I think the point of the Midrash is important. We shouldn’t complain about things that are unchangeable and we should only kvetch when we are willing to affect positive change in the world around us. The laws of incest were not about to change. When the daughters of Zelophechad, on the other hand, came to Moses years later with a complaint about their inability to inherit land, they did so with respect and an openness to be a part of the process and not just the source of the complaint.

So there you have it. Parshat Baha’alotecha may be the one Torah portion from which we can learn what not to do. All the kvetching and whining by the Israelites led nowhere. In the end it brought about destruction and the demoralization of the nation.

Finally, I’d like to offer one final bit of advice about kvetching. The truth is kvetching is who we are; we’re all going to do it at one time or another. So please consider this: despite the common belief that words don’t make that much of a difference, we need to remember that words can be lethal. “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can really harm me.” Before we kvetch let’s think about what we’re about to say. So very often words create and unbridgeable gap between people; they cause wounds that never really heal.

Words can harm and words can heal. Before we use them maybe we can ask ourselves how we would feel if someone addressed those same words to us. I suspect we would be more careful in our use of language.

Kvetching? Yea, I know we all do it. But maybe we can learn the power of positive kvetching!

Shabbat Shalom!