What Does Our Tradition Teach Us About Giving a Eulogy

Parshat Hayye Sarah
Genesis 23:1 -25:18
 
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Parshat Hayye Sarah describes the final years in the life of our forefather, Abraham. The parshah begins with the death of Sarah. Faced with the practical considerations of seeing to her burial, our forefather approaches the people of Hebron and enters into negotiations for a place in which to bury his beloved wife. With this real estate transaction, Abraham takes possession of his first piece of property in the land of Canaan. In later generations the purchase of a burial place often served as a sign of the establishment of a community. The Torah tells us that Abraham mourned (lis’pod) and bewailed the death of his wife; lispod is the root of the word hespaid, or eulogy. The sages puzzled over the appropriate way in which to eulogize people.

Parshat Hayye Sarah, however, is not all sorrow. We learn how Abraham arranged for a marriage for his son through faithful service of his servant and how the final years in his life are filled with meaning and activities. Abraham even remarries and has a new family. In the end, we are told that Abraham was blessed with everything.” What more could one ask for?

Genesis 23:2
Sarah died in Kiryat Arbah – now Hebron - in the land of Canaan; And Abraham came to mourn/eulogize Sarah and to bewail her.

Rabbi Shlomo Yitzhaki , Rashi
Abraham came to mourn for Sarah and to bewail her: The narrative of the death of Sarah follows immediately on that of the binding of Isaac because through the announcement of the binding that her son had been made ready for sacrifice and was almost sacrificed – her soul flew from her and she died (Pirke D’rebbe Eliezer 32)

Babylonian Talmud Sanhedrin 46b- 47a:
This is a difficult passage – part of a longer discussion concerning the purpose of the eulogy: is it to honor the dead or salve the living? What may seem obvious to us was not obvious to our ancestors. The scholars asked: Is the funeral oration in honor of the living or of the dead? What is the practical difference? (If the purpose of the oration is to honor the dead) and the deceased had said, Pronounce no funeral oration over me’ (then you shouldn’t give a eulogy) and (if the oration is for the sake of the living then one can forgo the oration) in respect of collecting (the cost) from the heirs! (In other words, if the eulogy oration is for the sake of the family and they don’t want to pay for someone to give the eulogy, they would then have a right to forgo the oration)

Come hear! And Abraham came to mourn for Sarah and to weep for her. Now, should you maintain that it is no honor of the living: in that case for Abraham's honor he delayed Sarah's [burial]! (Delaying the oration until Abraham arrived for her funeral proves that the oration was more for the living than the dead) would suggest that the purpose of the oration was to honor Abraham – (the sages reject this argument since) Sarah herself was pleased that Abraham should attain honor through her….

…Come hear! R. Nathan said: It is of good omen for the dead when he is punished [in this world] after death. e.g., if one dies and is not mourned, or [properly] buried, or if a wild beast drags him along, or if rain drips down on his bier, it is a good omen for him. We may infer therefore from this that the funeral rites are in honor of the dead. This proves that the eulogy is given to honor the dead

Arba’ah Turim Yoreh Deah 344:1-2
It is an important mitzvah to eulogize a person in a fitting manner. Anyone who is negligent in eulogizing a good person, deserves to have his days shortened and should be buried before his time. It is a commandment to raise ones voice in the eulogy by saying things that will break the heart (of the listeners) and inspire tears (in those who hear them). One should praise the deceased but one should not do so inordinately. Rather, one should mention the person’s good qualities and add a bit to them, but one should not exaggerate too much. If the person did not have good qualities, don’t make them up. When speaking about a wise or a pious person one should mention the person’s wisdom or piety. If one attributes these qualities too much or exaggerates these qualities, he causes evil to himself and to the deceased. One should eulogize a woman among the people and among the sages appropriately. A poor person should have at least two flutes and criers for his wife’s funeral….

Questions to Ponder
   
1. The Torah tells us that Abraham came to mourn/eulogize his wife. Where was he coming from? Look at the chapters prior to this one. Do you think there is a connection between the binding of Isaac and the death of Sarah? What role, if any did Sarah play in the Akedah? Do you think things might have turned out differently if Abraham had shared with his wife what God asked him to do?
   
2. Who is the eulogy for – the living or the dead? The Talmud argues about whether the eulogy was meant to honor the dead or to comfort the survivors. In what way might we view a eulogy as a beneficial activity for the survivors? What difference might our attitude toward the eulogy make in how we choose deliver the eulogy?
   
3. Why would a person not want to have a eulogy delivered at his funeral? Do you think we should honor such a request? If so under what circumstances?
   
4. How does the deceased benefit from the type of eulogy we give about him/her? Do you believe that honesty is always the best policy when delivering a eulogy? What type of things would it be appropriate to include and what type of things would you leave out of a eulogy?
   
5. The Arba’ah Turim suggests that it is ok to exaggerate when delivering a eulogy to an extent. Where would you draw the line? What should a person do if the deceased do not have ‘good qualities?’
   
6. How fitting is the advice of Rabbi Jacob ben Asher for preparing a eulogy today?
   
7. Why is the Tur so harsh in his judgment of someone who does not provide a eulogy for someone who is deserving of such an oration?
   
   
   
 
A Weekly Mitzvah
   
1. Sarah was a complicated person. While she was the mother of the Jewish people and a partner to Abraham throughout his life, she also acted in ways which are hard for us to understand particularly when dealing with Hagar. Pretend you are writing a eulogy for Sarah. What would you say about her? How would you deal with the questionable aspects in her life?
   
2. Try writing your own eulogy. What would you want people to remember and say about you? What does your eulogy say about how you should live the rest of your life? List five things about yourself that you would like people to remember.
   
   

“All it takes to study Torah is an open heart, a curious mind and a desire to grow a Jewish soul.”
Copyright 2006 Rabbi Mark B Greenspan

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