What Does Our Tradition Teach Us About Giving a Eulogy

Parshat Toldot
Genesis 25:19 - 28:9

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Like his parents, Isaac, confronts fertility issues in his marriage even though God has promised that he will give birth to a great nation. Isaac pleads with God on behalf of his wife but when Rebecca finally does conceive, her pregnancy turns out to be most difficult. Distraught over her pregnancy, God reveals the reason for the tumultuous pregnancy: “Two nations are in your womb, two separate people shall issue from your body....” Rebecca’s pregnancy foreshadows an epic struggle that is about to take place between two nations. That struggle is about to begin with the birth of Jacob and Esau. They will struggle over who deserves the family birthright and who will receive the blessing from their father. Parshat Toldot contains one of the earliest references to prayer in the Bible. We are constantly petitioning God in our daily lives and asking God for a whole variety of things: health, well-being, peace and goodness. Of course there is more to prayer than just petition. We also offer praise and thanksgiving to God. But when most of us think of prayer, we think of petition. For what type of things should we petition God?   Is there such a thing as an appropriate and inappropriate prayer? When should we pray and when should we refrain from praying?

Rabbi Shlomo Yitzhaki, Rashi’s Commentary
Isaac pleaded with the Lord: He prayed much and urgently…
On behalf of his wife: or facing his wife; He stood in one corner praying while she stood in the other corner praying.
The Lord responded to his plea: of him and not of her, because there is no comparison between the prayer of a righteous person who is the child of a righteous person and the prayer of a righteous person who is the child of wicked person. Therefore God allowed himself to respond to his prayer and not her prayer.

Soforno , Italian Commentator  (1470-1550)
On behalf of his wife: Even though God had promised that his seed would inherit the land. He prayed to God that it be through this worthy woman who stood before him…

Mishnah Berachot, Chapter 9:1
To cry over the past is to utter a vain prayer. If a man’s wife is pregnant and he says, “May it be God’s will to grant that my wife bear a male child,” this is a vain prayer. If he is coming home from a journey and he hears cries of distress in the town and says, “May it be God’s will to grant that this is not in my house,” this too is a vain prayer.
 
Babylonian Talmud Berachot, 60a
If a man’s wife is pregnant and he says, “May it be God’s will to grant that my wife bear a male child,” this is a vain prayer:  Are prayers then [in such circumstances] of no avail? Rabbi Joseph cited the following in objection: “And afterwards she bore a daughter and called her name Dinah.” What is meant by 'afterwards'? Rab said: After Leah had passed judgment on herself, saying, 'Twelve tribes are destined to issue from Jacob. Six have issued from me and four from the handmaids, making ten. If this child will be a male, my sister Rachel will not be equal to one of the handmaids'. Forthwith the child was turned to a girl, as it says, “and she called her name Dinah!”  (The Talmud answers) We cannot cite a miraculous event [in refutation of the Mishnah]. Alternatively I may reply that the incident of Leah occurred within forty days [after conception], according to what has been taught: Within the first three days a man should pray that the seed should not putrefy; from the third to the fortieth day he should pray that the child should be a male; from the fortieth day to three months he should pray that it should not be a sandal ( a term for a kind of miscarriage resembling a flat-shaped fish); from three months to six months he should pray that it should not be still-born; from six months to nine months he should pray for a safe delivery.
 
Babylonian Talmud Berachot 10a
In Rabbi Meir's neighborhood there lived some ruffians, who annoyed him so much that he prayed for them to die. His wife Beruriah said to him: What are you thinking of? Are you relying on the verse "Let sinners be consumed" (Psalm 104:35)? But, in fact, is the word "sinners"? It is rather "sins.” Moreover, look at the end of the verse [and you will see]: "And let the wicked be no more," which implies that when sins come to an end, the wicked will be no more. You should seek mercy for them, that they turn in penitence, so that they will be wicked no more. Accordingly, he besought mercy for them, and they did turn in penitence.
 
Babylonian Talmud Ketubot 104a
The following is taken from a story about the death of Rabbi Yehudah HaNasi, the editor of the Mishnah. Apparently he lay dying but because his students were praying with such intensity he could not leave this world: Rabbi's handmaiden went up to the roof and prayed, "They on high desire Rabbi [to join me], and those below desire Rabbi [to remain with them]. May it be [God's] will that those below prevail over those above." But when she saw that he was in great pain, she prayed, "May it be [God's] will that those above prevail over those below." However, since the sages did not cease praying for [God's] mercy [to extend Rabbi's life], she picked up a jar and threw it from the roof to the ground. Startled at the noise made by the smashed jar, the sages ceased their prayers [for an instant], and the soul of Rabbi departed.
 
Shulchan Aruch, Orech Chayim 230:1
One who prays for that which is already taken place, for example if one enters a city and hears an outcry in the city and prays: “May it be God’s will that this outcry not be coming from within my house…or if his wife is pregnant at least forty days and one prays: May it be God’s will that my wife give birth to a male child – this is a vain prayer.  Rather let the person pray for things in the future (that have not been decided already) and let him give thanks for things that have already taken place….

“All it takes to study Torah is an open heart, a curious mind and a desire to grow a Jewish soul.”
Copyright 2006 Rabbi Mark B Greenspan